staying alive...

it's been a hard few weeks. I didn't want to get out of bed most of last week. I don't handle ambiguity well at all. My life feels vulnerable and stripped of the things I could fill my time with. it sucks right now.

Trust.

If I could think of a theme word for the last few months it's trust. The farther along I've got in this process the more I have had to cut ties with control, control of my environment, friendships, finances, future, and look more and more into the eyes of God and tell myself that He knows exactly what I need and is capable of providing for me.

As many of you know, there have been many failed attempts to leave the United States, and each time was a little closer to actually leaving. This is the farthest that I've come in the moving process. As I reached that threshold in July, I had to grapple with my heart and whether I could trust God and hope again. I made the decision to look and God and put my hope, trust and faith in Him, not in a location or destination, but that I would follow Him where ever He would lead me.

Through this process I've found peace in the truth that He is God, and when I choose to follow Him, it puts me in a posistion to recieve from Him, both His love, care, security, and pleasure, and discipline, provoke and His light that exposes my darkness. It's been intense. Lately I've required at least 8 hours of sleep, which makes me mad sometimes, "why am I so tired?". But it's taken it out of me, there is deep activity going on inside of me and it wears me out. Again, I have to let go of my control, because I'm not where I thnk I should be at.

All of that said, more is unfolding as I walk towards Santiago de Compostela. I was originally drawn to this team and city becasue of Cafe Terra Nova, a place of ministry and community, a dream God placed in my heart at 16. On Sunday afternoon, I got a phone call from Matthew Swain, my team leader. We are selling the cafe. It's been a long hard road for my team. I could hear the wear and tear over the phone as the cafe struggled and my heart would leave so heavy with desire to be able to be there already. God, why this long, I could be so helpful there. Again, a place of trust, that God knows what He is doing in Team Spain, and what He wants to see happen in my heart.

I am so relieved in some ways, I heard the difference in Matthew's voice, and am so glad for the peace and space that this will bring them, the Bailey's and The Swains. But, again, I'm put in a place that I have to choose trust Him.

faith

on the heels of that last post....

My heart is so encouraged that my life in God is so dynamic.

I was meeting with Randy Catlett, the missions pastor at Metro Christian Fellowship, today, and as he was asking me about my life and how I am doing throughout this whole process, I was realizing that I am at a crisis point, again.. I am at another point in my life where the question before me is "Do you trust me?" and like so many other times in my life I get all wound up. This is what it looks like for me..

Defensiveness. "OF COURSE, I trust you!"
Panic. "How am I going to do this?"
Offense. "Why would you do this to me? What do you think you're doing?
Mistrust. "Do you care about me? Do you see me?"
Honesty. "I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Who am I?"
Breakthrough. "I need you. I can't do it alone, and I don't want to do it alone. I TRUST YOU!"
Peace and Rest. "I belong to you. You protect me, provide for me, sustain me, help me. You love me. You are kind, good, strong, gentle, and everything I need."

Maybe I am at the Honesty Stage right now, because I've definitely done the first three. Sometimes the Lord brings me through to a place of peace and rest, but only after a fight through it.

My heart is knowing God in ways it's never known God.

HE has to be central.
HE has to be God.

ending seasons

watched my brother, David, ended a season of his life tonight. He's played soccer since he was 4 years old and tonight he played his last soccer game of his high school career. As we hugged and he cried I felt the reality of that sink in.

I can totally identify with that. I cry pretty often. Kansas City is not the same city to me. I feel the closing of seasons in so many ways, lately. I heard a quote on NPR the other day that you can never live in a new life unless you let the old life die. I'm not the way that I used to be, my place in Kansas City is not the same, I see people differently, I see myself differently. This new life is exposing the death of the old one. Once again I am so aware of my inadeqacies and my coping, my lack of faith and unbelief.

The place in my life I am currently in had brought me, again, to a crisis of faith.

Do I really believe in God?
Will I trust Him?

They feel like the most basic of questions. But if I answer yes, my whole world is going to change.