so many things are different than I thought they would be.
I just got finished looking through the Swain's latest family album. The Swains are the team leaders of the team in Santiago de Compostela, Spain. And I feel sad and happy, which is just a little confusing.
Sad, that I am not enjoying Spain with them, and starting my life over there, but happy that I've had the chance to know and love them. They fast became a part of my heart.
My life is just different now that I planned or expected it to be. Different. Not bad or good because of that. I am amazed at how inadequate my plans for my life are and how little I really understand about the ways of God. Because of the process of preparing for Spain, and leaving Kansas City, my heart has been open to God in ways I've never had before, and I am learning to walk by faith and not by sight. Believe that the Lord is good, having faith and confidence in Him and His way in my life, and not choosing to fear because of what I can and cannot see.
So, I don't know what these next few months will hold, let alone these next few weeks. It'll probably be different than I expected.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Monday, December 11, 2006
cool people
wow, cool people.
I love people. not that this should surprise me. BUT.. I have found an especially fond place in my heart for emo, grunge, hard core kids.
I just spent the afternoon snuggled into my dearest roommate Linnea's back as she drew the various musicians who played in the living room. random people from all kinds of places - one with two inch holes in his ears and a one inch plug below his lip. Another with two patches of hair 11" beyond his normal length and a purpley black dye splattered throughout that hair. Yet another, and another and another... Some with T-shirts and normal jeans and others who may have walked right off the NY runways, and me. It my leggings and bright blue skirt and knit sweater.
We were quite the crew.
and I loved it.
My heart feels so full in days like this..
so many different stories and all are welcome.
I love people. not that this should surprise me. BUT.. I have found an especially fond place in my heart for emo, grunge, hard core kids.
I just spent the afternoon snuggled into my dearest roommate Linnea's back as she drew the various musicians who played in the living room. random people from all kinds of places - one with two inch holes in his ears and a one inch plug below his lip. Another with two patches of hair 11" beyond his normal length and a purpley black dye splattered throughout that hair. Yet another, and another and another... Some with T-shirts and normal jeans and others who may have walked right off the NY runways, and me. It my leggings and bright blue skirt and knit sweater.
We were quite the crew.
and I loved it.
My heart feels so full in days like this..
so many different stories and all are welcome.
sorry for the long breaks
Realizing that my last post was pretty sullen. It was a really hard few weeks. But it is a time of the Lord's kind un-doing as He takes away our securities and sense of purpose. Create huge God spaces, things that only He can adequately fill.
Romans 2:3-4 "So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?"
It is truely his kindness, tolerance, and patience that draws our hearts to trust Him.
Romans 2:3-4 "So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?"
It is truely his kindness, tolerance, and patience that draws our hearts to trust Him.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
staying alive...
it's been a hard few weeks. I didn't want to get out of bed most of last week. I don't handle ambiguity well at all. My life feels vulnerable and stripped of the things I could fill my time with. it sucks right now.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Trust.
If I could think of a theme word for the last few months it's trust. The farther along I've got in this process the more I have had to cut ties with control, control of my environment, friendships, finances, future, and look more and more into the eyes of God and tell myself that He knows exactly what I need and is capable of providing for me.
As many of you know, there have been many failed attempts to leave the United States, and each time was a little closer to actually leaving. This is the farthest that I've come in the moving process. As I reached that threshold in July, I had to grapple with my heart and whether I could trust God and hope again. I made the decision to look and God and put my hope, trust and faith in Him, not in a location or destination, but that I would follow Him where ever He would lead me.
Through this process I've found peace in the truth that He is God, and when I choose to follow Him, it puts me in a posistion to recieve from Him, both His love, care, security, and pleasure, and discipline, provoke and His light that exposes my darkness. It's been intense. Lately I've required at least 8 hours of sleep, which makes me mad sometimes, "why am I so tired?". But it's taken it out of me, there is deep activity going on inside of me and it wears me out. Again, I have to let go of my control, because I'm not where I thnk I should be at.
All of that said, more is unfolding as I walk towards Santiago de Compostela. I was originally drawn to this team and city becasue of Cafe Terra Nova, a place of ministry and community, a dream God placed in my heart at 16. On Sunday afternoon, I got a phone call from Matthew Swain, my team leader. We are selling the cafe. It's been a long hard road for my team. I could hear the wear and tear over the phone as the cafe struggled and my heart would leave so heavy with desire to be able to be there already. God, why this long, I could be so helpful there. Again, a place of trust, that God knows what He is doing in Team Spain, and what He wants to see happen in my heart.
I am so relieved in some ways, I heard the difference in Matthew's voice, and am so glad for the peace and space that this will bring them, the Bailey's and The Swains. But, again, I'm put in a place that I have to choose trust Him.
As many of you know, there have been many failed attempts to leave the United States, and each time was a little closer to actually leaving. This is the farthest that I've come in the moving process. As I reached that threshold in July, I had to grapple with my heart and whether I could trust God and hope again. I made the decision to look and God and put my hope, trust and faith in Him, not in a location or destination, but that I would follow Him where ever He would lead me.
Through this process I've found peace in the truth that He is God, and when I choose to follow Him, it puts me in a posistion to recieve from Him, both His love, care, security, and pleasure, and discipline, provoke and His light that exposes my darkness. It's been intense. Lately I've required at least 8 hours of sleep, which makes me mad sometimes, "why am I so tired?". But it's taken it out of me, there is deep activity going on inside of me and it wears me out. Again, I have to let go of my control, because I'm not where I thnk I should be at.
All of that said, more is unfolding as I walk towards Santiago de Compostela. I was originally drawn to this team and city becasue of Cafe Terra Nova, a place of ministry and community, a dream God placed in my heart at 16. On Sunday afternoon, I got a phone call from Matthew Swain, my team leader. We are selling the cafe. It's been a long hard road for my team. I could hear the wear and tear over the phone as the cafe struggled and my heart would leave so heavy with desire to be able to be there already. God, why this long, I could be so helpful there. Again, a place of trust, that God knows what He is doing in Team Spain, and what He wants to see happen in my heart.
I am so relieved in some ways, I heard the difference in Matthew's voice, and am so glad for the peace and space that this will bring them, the Bailey's and The Swains. But, again, I'm put in a place that I have to choose trust Him.
Friday, November 03, 2006
faith
on the heels of that last post....
My heart is so encouraged that my life in God is so dynamic.
I was meeting with Randy Catlett, the missions pastor at Metro Christian Fellowship, today, and as he was asking me about my life and how I am doing throughout this whole process, I was realizing that I am at a crisis point, again.. I am at another point in my life where the question before me is "Do you trust me?" and like so many other times in my life I get all wound up. This is what it looks like for me..
Defensiveness. "OF COURSE, I trust you!"
Panic. "How am I going to do this?"
Offense. "Why would you do this to me? What do you think you're doing?
Mistrust. "Do you care about me? Do you see me?"
Honesty. "I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Who am I?"
Breakthrough. "I need you. I can't do it alone, and I don't want to do it alone. I TRUST YOU!"
Peace and Rest. "I belong to you. You protect me, provide for me, sustain me, help me. You love me. You are kind, good, strong, gentle, and everything I need."
Maybe I am at the Honesty Stage right now, because I've definitely done the first three. Sometimes the Lord brings me through to a place of peace and rest, but only after a fight through it.
My heart is knowing God in ways it's never known God.
HE has to be central.
HE has to be God.
My heart is so encouraged that my life in God is so dynamic.
I was meeting with Randy Catlett, the missions pastor at Metro Christian Fellowship, today, and as he was asking me about my life and how I am doing throughout this whole process, I was realizing that I am at a crisis point, again.. I am at another point in my life where the question before me is "Do you trust me?" and like so many other times in my life I get all wound up. This is what it looks like for me..
Defensiveness. "OF COURSE, I trust you!"
Panic. "How am I going to do this?"
Offense. "Why would you do this to me? What do you think you're doing?
Mistrust. "Do you care about me? Do you see me?"
Honesty. "I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Who am I?"
Breakthrough. "I need you. I can't do it alone, and I don't want to do it alone. I TRUST YOU!"
Peace and Rest. "I belong to you. You protect me, provide for me, sustain me, help me. You love me. You are kind, good, strong, gentle, and everything I need."
Maybe I am at the Honesty Stage right now, because I've definitely done the first three. Sometimes the Lord brings me through to a place of peace and rest, but only after a fight through it.
My heart is knowing God in ways it's never known God.
HE has to be central.
HE has to be God.
ending seasons
watched my brother, David, ended a season of his life tonight. He's played soccer since he was 4 years old and tonight he played his last soccer game of his high school career. As we hugged and he cried I felt the reality of that sink in.
I can totally identify with that. I cry pretty often. Kansas City is not the same city to me. I feel the closing of seasons in so many ways, lately. I heard a quote on NPR the other day that you can never live in a new life unless you let the old life die. I'm not the way that I used to be, my place in Kansas City is not the same, I see people differently, I see myself differently. This new life is exposing the death of the old one. Once again I am so aware of my inadeqacies and my coping, my lack of faith and unbelief.
The place in my life I am currently in had brought me, again, to a crisis of faith.
Do I really believe in God?
Will I trust Him?
They feel like the most basic of questions. But if I answer yes, my whole world is going to change.
I can totally identify with that. I cry pretty often. Kansas City is not the same city to me. I feel the closing of seasons in so many ways, lately. I heard a quote on NPR the other day that you can never live in a new life unless you let the old life die. I'm not the way that I used to be, my place in Kansas City is not the same, I see people differently, I see myself differently. This new life is exposing the death of the old one. Once again I am so aware of my inadeqacies and my coping, my lack of faith and unbelief.
The place in my life I am currently in had brought me, again, to a crisis of faith.
Do I really believe in God?
Will I trust Him?
They feel like the most basic of questions. But if I answer yes, my whole world is going to change.
Friday, October 27, 2006
So typical.
It is so typical for me to stay consistent with something for a while, and suddenly without warning of schedule changes emotions or logical reason, I'm horribly inconsistant.
So to those of you who regularly check my blog, I'm sorry.
It's not even that I've not had the time, I've just not done it.
Let me catch you up on the last few weeks. I'll post about some of these adventures later.
I finished up SLA (second language awuisition), a two week course on how you learn a language and practice with a language helper. Gloria, from Columbia, helped me get over my deer in the headlights feelings. I seem to consistant respond to new languages with wide eyes and closed mouths. (:
I took a two day trip to Oconomowac, Wisconsin, to be with my dear friend and old roommate, Linnea, for the funeral and burial of Nancy Spransy, her grandmother.
Then trucked back down to Elgin, IL, hoping to hang out with some friends, who didn't return from a trip to Virgina, but was suprised to find a letter from Spain! It was my letter of invitation from La Vida Nueva, a church.
So the next morning I got all me things together, put on some mascara, and wound my way down and then through Chicago to the Consulate Gereral of Spain. Found an amazing parking spot and nerveously entered the 15th floor office. It was quite an experience. After all was said and done, I just enjoyed the streets of downtown Chicago, walking and thinking, and loving the brisk fall weather and the countless people on the streets. What a great day! It ended even better with tea and cookies at my friend, Sarah Sikkema's house, and a mid-night visit with Gina Boettcher.
At 5am the next morning, I was up and off. It's much better to start before you're really coherant. It was the best 8 hour drivve of my life.
So now here I sit, at the kitchen table of 8816 Woodland, Kansas City, MO, in the home of Sarah Beth Cox, one of my very best friends. Whose home I share with her for the next 6 weeks. God is so kind to me. He placed me in a home when I was struggling to feel like I had a home, but I had no forwarning that I would feel so homeless. He knows and cared for me better than I do myself.
So to those of you who regularly check my blog, I'm sorry.
It's not even that I've not had the time, I've just not done it.
Let me catch you up on the last few weeks. I'll post about some of these adventures later.
I finished up SLA (second language awuisition), a two week course on how you learn a language and practice with a language helper. Gloria, from Columbia, helped me get over my deer in the headlights feelings. I seem to consistant respond to new languages with wide eyes and closed mouths. (:
I took a two day trip to Oconomowac, Wisconsin, to be with my dear friend and old roommate, Linnea, for the funeral and burial of Nancy Spransy, her grandmother.
Then trucked back down to Elgin, IL, hoping to hang out with some friends, who didn't return from a trip to Virgina, but was suprised to find a letter from Spain! It was my letter of invitation from La Vida Nueva, a church.
So the next morning I got all me things together, put on some mascara, and wound my way down and then through Chicago to the Consulate Gereral of Spain. Found an amazing parking spot and nerveously entered the 15th floor office. It was quite an experience. After all was said and done, I just enjoyed the streets of downtown Chicago, walking and thinking, and loving the brisk fall weather and the countless people on the streets. What a great day! It ended even better with tea and cookies at my friend, Sarah Sikkema's house, and a mid-night visit with Gina Boettcher.
At 5am the next morning, I was up and off. It's much better to start before you're really coherant. It was the best 8 hour drivve of my life.
So now here I sit, at the kitchen table of 8816 Woodland, Kansas City, MO, in the home of Sarah Beth Cox, one of my very best friends. Whose home I share with her for the next 6 weeks. God is so kind to me. He placed me in a home when I was struggling to feel like I had a home, but I had no forwarning that I would feel so homeless. He knows and cared for me better than I do myself.
Monday, October 09, 2006
on the road...
One thing I've learned so far...
Life is a journey. Oh, how I wish sometimes that I could just ARRIVE. But each little part of the road is necessary to reach the destination. I am thankful for the road God has taken me on so far. Training has been a wonderful time to get tools to help us as we enter into our new areas of ministry and enjoy new friendship with other missionaries. God has exposed my heart again, and I need His transforming way in my heart and life.
Often I've tried to map out this "journey" of my life. I would get an idea and begin to try and try and try to make it happen. Often met with dissappointment and fustration, I would give up, and wrestle with God about His goodness and love. Always, in His way, He would bring around the things my heart had desired, and give them to me in the most creative of ways and really much more deeply fulfilling. If I could only trust God to begin with. It would save me the fustration. Gosh.
Even now, my biggest struggles are with trying to anticipate the future and not taking care of my responsibilites or myself, here and now. Not that I want to be self-centered. I want to be at peace with the place God has called me for this day and let Him lead me into the days ahead. right now - I suck at this!
So, I'm on this road towards Santiago. I wanted it to be quick and easy, to just arrive and be the wonderful person I am. Wooing people through my smile towards Jesus, or was it towards myself? Either way, God is way concerned with the state of my heart. And, I have given Him access to it, several times over, and what I am finding is that HE wants to be central in my life, heart, desires, and emotions. He wants all my trust to be in Him and His power. And all my confidence found in Him and His love, and my deepest fulfillment to come from His tender and loving care.
I make things so difficult on myself.
Life is a journey. Oh, how I wish sometimes that I could just ARRIVE. But each little part of the road is necessary to reach the destination. I am thankful for the road God has taken me on so far. Training has been a wonderful time to get tools to help us as we enter into our new areas of ministry and enjoy new friendship with other missionaries. God has exposed my heart again, and I need His transforming way in my heart and life.
Often I've tried to map out this "journey" of my life. I would get an idea and begin to try and try and try to make it happen. Often met with dissappointment and fustration, I would give up, and wrestle with God about His goodness and love. Always, in His way, He would bring around the things my heart had desired, and give them to me in the most creative of ways and really much more deeply fulfilling. If I could only trust God to begin with. It would save me the fustration. Gosh.
Even now, my biggest struggles are with trying to anticipate the future and not taking care of my responsibilites or myself, here and now. Not that I want to be self-centered. I want to be at peace with the place God has called me for this day and let Him lead me into the days ahead. right now - I suck at this!
So, I'm on this road towards Santiago. I wanted it to be quick and easy, to just arrive and be the wonderful person I am. Wooing people through my smile towards Jesus, or was it towards myself? Either way, God is way concerned with the state of my heart. And, I have given Him access to it, several times over, and what I am finding is that HE wants to be central in my life, heart, desires, and emotions. He wants all my trust to be in Him and His power. And all my confidence found in Him and His love, and my deepest fulfillment to come from His tender and loving care.
I make things so difficult on myself.
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