cool people

wow, cool people.

I love people. not that this should surprise me. BUT.. I have found an especially fond place in my heart for emo, grunge, hard core kids.

I just spent the afternoon snuggled into my dearest roommate Linnea's back as she drew the various musicians who played in the living room. random people from all kinds of places - one with two inch holes in his ears and a one inch plug below his lip. Another with two patches of hair 11" beyond his normal length and a purpley black dye splattered throughout that hair. Yet another, and another and another... Some with T-shirts and normal jeans and others who may have walked right off the NY runways, and me. It my leggings and bright blue skirt and knit sweater.

We were quite the crew.
and I loved it.

My heart feels so full in days like this..
so many different stories and all are welcome.

sorry for the long breaks

Realizing that my last post was pretty sullen. It was a really hard few weeks. But it is a time of the Lord's kind un-doing as He takes away our securities and sense of purpose. Create huge God spaces, things that only He can adequately fill.

Romans 2:3-4 "So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?"

It is truely his kindness, tolerance, and patience that draws our hearts to trust Him.

staying alive...

it's been a hard few weeks. I didn't want to get out of bed most of last week. I don't handle ambiguity well at all. My life feels vulnerable and stripped of the things I could fill my time with. it sucks right now.

Trust.

If I could think of a theme word for the last few months it's trust. The farther along I've got in this process the more I have had to cut ties with control, control of my environment, friendships, finances, future, and look more and more into the eyes of God and tell myself that He knows exactly what I need and is capable of providing for me.

As many of you know, there have been many failed attempts to leave the United States, and each time was a little closer to actually leaving. This is the farthest that I've come in the moving process. As I reached that threshold in July, I had to grapple with my heart and whether I could trust God and hope again. I made the decision to look and God and put my hope, trust and faith in Him, not in a location or destination, but that I would follow Him where ever He would lead me.

Through this process I've found peace in the truth that He is God, and when I choose to follow Him, it puts me in a posistion to recieve from Him, both His love, care, security, and pleasure, and discipline, provoke and His light that exposes my darkness. It's been intense. Lately I've required at least 8 hours of sleep, which makes me mad sometimes, "why am I so tired?". But it's taken it out of me, there is deep activity going on inside of me and it wears me out. Again, I have to let go of my control, because I'm not where I thnk I should be at.

All of that said, more is unfolding as I walk towards Santiago de Compostela. I was originally drawn to this team and city becasue of Cafe Terra Nova, a place of ministry and community, a dream God placed in my heart at 16. On Sunday afternoon, I got a phone call from Matthew Swain, my team leader. We are selling the cafe. It's been a long hard road for my team. I could hear the wear and tear over the phone as the cafe struggled and my heart would leave so heavy with desire to be able to be there already. God, why this long, I could be so helpful there. Again, a place of trust, that God knows what He is doing in Team Spain, and what He wants to see happen in my heart.

I am so relieved in some ways, I heard the difference in Matthew's voice, and am so glad for the peace and space that this will bring them, the Bailey's and The Swains. But, again, I'm put in a place that I have to choose trust Him.

faith

on the heels of that last post....

My heart is so encouraged that my life in God is so dynamic.

I was meeting with Randy Catlett, the missions pastor at Metro Christian Fellowship, today, and as he was asking me about my life and how I am doing throughout this whole process, I was realizing that I am at a crisis point, again.. I am at another point in my life where the question before me is "Do you trust me?" and like so many other times in my life I get all wound up. This is what it looks like for me..

Defensiveness. "OF COURSE, I trust you!"
Panic. "How am I going to do this?"
Offense. "Why would you do this to me? What do you think you're doing?
Mistrust. "Do you care about me? Do you see me?"
Honesty. "I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Who am I?"
Breakthrough. "I need you. I can't do it alone, and I don't want to do it alone. I TRUST YOU!"
Peace and Rest. "I belong to you. You protect me, provide for me, sustain me, help me. You love me. You are kind, good, strong, gentle, and everything I need."

Maybe I am at the Honesty Stage right now, because I've definitely done the first three. Sometimes the Lord brings me through to a place of peace and rest, but only after a fight through it.

My heart is knowing God in ways it's never known God.

HE has to be central.
HE has to be God.

ending seasons

watched my brother, David, ended a season of his life tonight. He's played soccer since he was 4 years old and tonight he played his last soccer game of his high school career. As we hugged and he cried I felt the reality of that sink in.

I can totally identify with that. I cry pretty often. Kansas City is not the same city to me. I feel the closing of seasons in so many ways, lately. I heard a quote on NPR the other day that you can never live in a new life unless you let the old life die. I'm not the way that I used to be, my place in Kansas City is not the same, I see people differently, I see myself differently. This new life is exposing the death of the old one. Once again I am so aware of my inadeqacies and my coping, my lack of faith and unbelief.

The place in my life I am currently in had brought me, again, to a crisis of faith.

Do I really believe in God?
Will I trust Him?

They feel like the most basic of questions. But if I answer yes, my whole world is going to change.

So typical.

It is so typical for me to stay consistent with something for a while, and suddenly without warning of schedule changes emotions or logical reason, I'm horribly inconsistant.

So to those of you who regularly check my blog, I'm sorry.

It's not even that I've not had the time, I've just not done it.

Let me catch you up on the last few weeks. I'll post about some of these adventures later.

I finished up SLA (second language awuisition), a two week course on how you learn a language and practice with a language helper. Gloria, from Columbia, helped me get over my deer in the headlights feelings. I seem to consistant respond to new languages with wide eyes and closed mouths. (:

I took a two day trip to Oconomowac, Wisconsin, to be with my dear friend and old roommate, Linnea, for the funeral and burial of Nancy Spransy, her grandmother.

Then trucked back down to Elgin, IL, hoping to hang out with some friends, who didn't return from a trip to Virgina, but was suprised to find a letter from Spain! It was my letter of invitation from La Vida Nueva, a church.

So the next morning I got all me things together, put on some mascara, and wound my way down and then through Chicago to the Consulate Gereral of Spain. Found an amazing parking spot and nerveously entered the 15th floor office. It was quite an experience. After all was said and done, I just enjoyed the streets of downtown Chicago, walking and thinking, and loving the brisk fall weather and the countless people on the streets. What a great day! It ended even better with tea and cookies at my friend, Sarah Sikkema's house, and a mid-night visit with Gina Boettcher.

At 5am the next morning, I was up and off. It's much better to start before you're really coherant. It was the best 8 hour drivve of my life.

So now here I sit, at the kitchen table of 8816 Woodland, Kansas City, MO, in the home of Sarah Beth Cox, one of my very best friends. Whose home I share with her for the next 6 weeks. God is so kind to me. He placed me in a home when I was struggling to feel like I had a home, but I had no forwarning that I would feel so homeless. He knows and cared for me better than I do myself.

on the road...

One thing I've learned so far...

Life is a journey. Oh, how I wish sometimes that I could just ARRIVE. But each little part of the road is necessary to reach the destination. I am thankful for the road God has taken me on so far. Training has been a wonderful time to get tools to help us as we enter into our new areas of ministry and enjoy new friendship with other missionaries. God has exposed my heart again, and I need His transforming way in my heart and life.

Often I've tried to map out this "journey" of my life. I would get an idea and begin to try and try and try to make it happen. Often met with dissappointment and fustration, I would give up, and wrestle with God about His goodness and love. Always, in His way, He would bring around the things my heart had desired, and give them to me in the most creative of ways and really much more deeply fulfilling. If I could only trust God to begin with. It would save me the fustration. Gosh.

Even now, my biggest struggles are with trying to anticipate the future and not taking care of my responsibilites or myself, here and now. Not that I want to be self-centered. I want to be at peace with the place God has called me for this day and let Him lead me into the days ahead. right now - I suck at this!

So, I'm on this road towards Santiago. I wanted it to be quick and easy, to just arrive and be the wonderful person I am. Wooing people through my smile towards Jesus, or was it towards myself? Either way, God is way concerned with the state of my heart. And, I have given Him access to it, several times over, and what I am finding is that HE wants to be central in my life, heart, desires, and emotions. He wants all my trust to be in Him and His power. And all my confidence found in Him and His love, and my deepest fulfillment to come from His tender and loving care.

I make things so difficult on myself.

Cafe Terra Nova

The cafe I am headed to in Spain just got a new website up... Check it out!

cafeterranova.com

Midnight snacks.

Since I was a little girl, I would wake up around 2 or 3 am and eat a snack. Ususally a cracker or two, sometimes a cookie, other times Cheerios.

Because of this habit I developed gingivitis two years ago. My poor little gums were just getting eaten away. So I broke that habit. It was hard, but I forced myself to wait until morning.

But these past few months, It began again. I can't sleep through the night and I wake up STARVING hungry at 2 or 3 am.

So after my 3rd wake up last night, around 4:30am. I gave in. Kefir and Dark Chocolate Brownies. What a snack!

Being a kid again.

When I was growing up, my favorite thing to do was walk 4 blocks to this park that had a creek through it. I would hike down into that creek and go for what felt like miles, jumping from rock to rock, catching crawdads, sliding down muddy slopes on my butt. It was my one place that I felt really free. It was my own little world I would escape into, playing the same stories out in my mind. Imagining friends to play with me. I wouldn't let anyone go with me. It was my sacred ground. I was always annoyed if one of my younger siblings wanted to come along, because that was MY place.

I found myself climbing through brush, hands and knees dirty with mud as I seached for a place to cross the river yesterday. Chloe, 7, and Briar Hanlon, 9, led the way as we made it through our jungle crossing the dangerous river where we found only traces of anyone else finding our sacred space. We helped each other get through tight spots, crossed a slipery log by working together, and made it out alive.

I had looked forward to this time all day. Through the hours of classes and homework.. Finally.

There were not many places in my childhood that I felt free to just be a kid. I was the responsible older sister. Growing up happened fast.
So thank GOD for the sacred spaces in our lives. The places we feel safe to be ourselves. He was present with me in my childhood, and I am revisiting it again.

My gospel is too weak.

We've spent several hours this last week talking about Islam and Hindu belief systems and worldviews, and how to share the one true God with these people. I have felt increasingly overwhelmed by how weak I've made the Gospel. As I went into the Hindu temple I kept praying the blood of Jesus over myself, and in doing so realized how powerful that is.

I walked into a temple, fully aware of the demons festering in that place, disgusted by the idolatry, and yet at peace in my heart because "NO weapon formed against me will prosper", and "at the name of Jesus, every knee will bow, and every tongue confess in heaven and on earth, that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

What is this so called "Good News" that I am "going into all the earth to preach and baptize" in? That there is hope, because Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came and through His death had VICTORY over death and the powers of Hell, and now we may walk in right relationship to the Father, through the Holy Spirit.

This is powerful...
I've just enjoyed Jesus, the Sidekick.

What a great birthday!

I had such a great birthday yesterday!

I had been recieving cards all week, and then I got TWO packages in the mail, as well as a room full of balloons and a birthday crown. So many special things for me.

I felt so loved, noticed and appreciated on this day of mine. I'm excited about what a new year might hold. This last year has contained more than I ever thought possible.

ESFJ

What does those letters mean??? It's not the state of my brain after hours of sitting in class. No, actually, it's a class that I'm actually incredibly facinated with. As MITs (missionaries in training), we completed the Meyers-Briggs test, to help identify our personality and some of it facets, and therefore seeing how we would inherently perceive a situation and ourselves in it.

This kind of thing absolutely facinates me. I love seeing who I am and who everyone else is and it brings so much light to a situation and group!!

So, I am an ENFJ, which means:

[E]xtrovet
[S]ensing
[F]eeling
[J]udging

Some of what that means about me is that I get energy from being around people. My feelings in a situation are the guide for my decision-making. I like to deal with the acutal, concrete situations, and I trust my experiences. I like to get things done, and follow a plan better than just letting things happen.

Which makes me understand the way that I blog even, because I want you, as a reader to feel connected to me and what I'm experiencing. Huh..

Sunday morning

It's a beautiful Sunday morning here in Elgin, IL.

I work up early thinking about all that I'm going to be doing today.

I am going to a second generation Korean Church called Harvest Community Church that Matt and Lori Swain, my teammates, attended when they lived here. After church Alex and I are going to stop by IKEA to get some candles for our apartment to make it feel more homey, and pick up Alex's beloved Special K Vanilla Almond cereal. Later this afternoon, I am going to go meet Nate and Faith Walter, another family on the road to Santiago. That should be fun! Then this evening all the MITs (Missionaries in training) will be BBQing. Fun!

On another note, I just checked my financial report and because of one time gifts, my training expenses are all paid for! And I have $600 towards the $4,000 needed to make the big move!!! How exciting!

What do I know?

I feel so unprepared for what I am about to do.

I am aware of my arrogance as an American, and my spiritual pride.

I've thanked God for the places that He's brought me through these last years, and how He's prepared me for Spain, but I still have such a long way to go.

I am so self-centered, and my worldview is too small.

God Help Me!

Please write me..

My birthday is next Friday, and I would love to get some mail, or presents. I just like getting mail in general. I check my box every day to see if I've gotten anything, but so far, nothing.


So here's my address!

Lauren Pugh
411 W River Rd.
Elgin, IL 60123

September 22 is my birthday..

I LOVE THIS PLACE!

I arrived in Elgin, IL, around 5:15p last night. My mom and dear friend, Linnea, helped me make the trip and made the good-by-ing process a little easier. Thank you God!

After a tearful good-bye to Linnea, my mom and I headed off to IKEA, one my favorite places in the US, and now one of her favorites as well. We ate a good Sweedish meal and shopped for things I have no business buying and that she didn't have much room in her suitcase for.

This morning my mom and I went into Chicago to play for the day until her flight. I love taking the "El" and walking for blocks and blocks, and I love many different people you see walking through the streets.

And my new roommates... so fun! Alex, Jamie, Mary, Lindsey, Renee, and Ayla. They are all going to be so fun to get to know! I already like them. We talked tonight about food for this next week, my favorite subject and an area where I shine. So we made up a great menu where everyone is getting to cook, and I'll teach everyone some new recipes.

So, here I am, in Elgin, IL, my home is no longer Kansas City, the road before me is WIDE open, and my heart is present and full.

my throat hurts.

All this crying is really taking it out of me.

There are SO MANY people that I care so much about. It is so sad to say good-bye.

Some that I will hopefully see again, but all will be different. Marriage, kids, new homes, different experiences. It all changes us.

So I am saying good-bye to the way that I've known people thus far in life. And welcoming in the new....

well, maybe not really ready to welcome it, but I'm aware that it's coming.

Oh the grief...

I walked out of Jim and Amy Bailey's last night crying.
and got in the car and cried some more.
and drove and cried.
and feel on my bed when I got home and cried again..
and now sit at the library and cry as I write about my tears.

cry cry cry.

This grief comes in waves. and I know it is just the beginning.

I have loved deeply during my time here, and will grieve deeply as I leave.

a cold drink of water.

I was walking home from Wild Oats, our local natural foods store, (how appropraite, walking, natural foods, but I didn't have regular deodorant on.. no smelly's here), and I passed a house that was being cleaned out. On the front steps sat a scraggly man who looked really worn out. I made some comment to him about the heat and the boxes of stuff sitting in front of the house. We made some small talk as I continued to slowly walk past, not wanting to get stuck in a bad/awkward situation. When, as I was almost far away, he said, I just wish I could get a cold drink of water or something. It's just so hot out here. Suddenly he had my attention. That sounded strangely like something in the Bible. Huh, the whole way home I thought about it. I had different plans for my afternoon and deadlines that made me feel a little clastriphobic. When I got home, I knew what to do, I found a water bottle, left behind from Quest, and the lone soda in my organic household, and I marched myself right back down to that house. There were no angelic lights or prophetic visitations. I just gave the man what I had, and told Him he was doing a good job and to stick with it.

It felt so right. I asked God is I was suposed to pray for him or talk with him, and didn't feel like it was necessary at the time.

Maybe I just needed to feel like I had a heart and could respond to a need when I heard it. Maybe that man needed someone to give him something with no strings attached.

Either way, it was a response to me from the Lord of how will I fit in to Santiago de Compostela, Spain. How will I meet people? Where? What do I do when I can't talk to them?

God knows me, and He has people waiting in Spain, that I can love, and be used, by God to meet needs. God is soverign and knows exactly the right people to bring into my paths. and He cares about me to let me know that He knows what is in my heart and how He wired me.

What will it look like? I don't know... but I'm anxious to find out.

Creating something new.

The whole process is creating something entirely new and different in me. Or it's just giving me a mirror to look into that is allowing me to see just how much God has changed in me.

A poverty mentality. A phrase that ran through my head over and over again last summer. My roommate, Linnea, and myself had multiple conversations about it, its effects and how we got there. It has threaded itself all through this last year. Through my joblessness, the gift of my car, random cash in the mail, and my very alive conscience or I guess, the Holy Spirit, provoking my heart about how I live like a pauper when my circumstances do not ever require it. It bleeds over into how I relate to God. I struggle to believe my life really matters. that what I contribute will matter. i hate to inconvenience people, and am careful not to step on to many toes. it's kinda a miserable way to live.

and the thing is... I know different.

I was created in the image of God.

God, through Jesus Christ, adopted me into His family, and invites me to sit on His right hand with Christ.

I am part of a ROYAL priesthood, a CHOSEN nation, a HOLY people. - none of these things involve shame or timidity.


I find myself fretting about how I am going to get to Spain and then live there. Money is overwhelming me. Fear sits on my shoulders and settles into my muscles. I am literally in pain right now. I am asking people to support me out of my fear and not out of freedom in faith that God take care of me in what He's called me to do.

I am a daughter of God, called by Him to a role so uniquely designed by Him for me. It's perfect. In a culture that I love. Serving coffee. Making good food. Learning a new language and culture.

Do I believe what God has said is true? Do I trust Him to come through when I need Him to? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, it hasn't settled in my heart.

Jesus, I need supernatural understanding of my worth and identity in you. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for trying to control something so totally out of my control. and manipulating my friends in the process. You are teaching me to trust You. Help me cooperate with You.

who would have guessed....

I do not know why this suprised me, but...

I am finding myself exposed and provoked by this whole moving, support raising, packing process. Lots of emotional drama.

For example, I am such a pack rat. I saved every schedule, paper, candy wrapper I could have in High school. So last night when I pulled out my scrap booking TUB out of the basement, I realized just how long this is going to take me. Because I have to remember all the memories around that schedule or candy wrapper, and all the people that were around at the time, and then it takes me forever to throw it away. What am I going to do with nametags and buttons of randomness in two years.

But, I am realizing that it helps me not just throw away the memory and love for those people or the events, but to love and remember them and move on....

new things, new places, new seasons. new LIFE!

blogging in my dreams

Last night I drepmt of blogging.


just one of the many things on my mind lately.


After talking to my friend Denise, I realized that I just want to do this whole moving, support raising process flawlessly, and she spoke a little bit of reality in me that it's just not going to happen that way.

So I will say it to all of you that may read this. My heart is to include and care for each person involved in the process. To feel the loss with people, to get excited with people, to include you in what I feel and think about this transformation God is doing in me. I will do the best I am capable of. Guard me please, help me see where I am missing it, and please extend grace to me.

I wake up daily with a full heart. Grateful for my rest and anxious to experience all the day will hold.

It has begun...

All of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. It's amazing how many things have to be done. Doctors appointment, Police reports, clothing disposile, farewells, tears, emails, support seeking, paper work. Slowly all of these things are coming together to form a whole that will carry me out of Kansas City, on to Illinois and then on to Santiago de Compostla, Spain. Unbelievable. These little things I'm doing are all carrying me on to a much bigger thing.

I've just begun this blog, but I've been doing another at http://www.myspace.com/laurenmichellepugh, if you want to check it out.

I'm hoping to master, well, who am I kidding, not master, just get a working knowledge of, blogger as well.