Creating something new.

The whole process is creating something entirely new and different in me. Or it's just giving me a mirror to look into that is allowing me to see just how much God has changed in me.

A poverty mentality. A phrase that ran through my head over and over again last summer. My roommate, Linnea, and myself had multiple conversations about it, its effects and how we got there. It has threaded itself all through this last year. Through my joblessness, the gift of my car, random cash in the mail, and my very alive conscience or I guess, the Holy Spirit, provoking my heart about how I live like a pauper when my circumstances do not ever require it. It bleeds over into how I relate to God. I struggle to believe my life really matters. that what I contribute will matter. i hate to inconvenience people, and am careful not to step on to many toes. it's kinda a miserable way to live.

and the thing is... I know different.

I was created in the image of God.

God, through Jesus Christ, adopted me into His family, and invites me to sit on His right hand with Christ.

I am part of a ROYAL priesthood, a CHOSEN nation, a HOLY people. - none of these things involve shame or timidity.


I find myself fretting about how I am going to get to Spain and then live there. Money is overwhelming me. Fear sits on my shoulders and settles into my muscles. I am literally in pain right now. I am asking people to support me out of my fear and not out of freedom in faith that God take care of me in what He's called me to do.

I am a daughter of God, called by Him to a role so uniquely designed by Him for me. It's perfect. In a culture that I love. Serving coffee. Making good food. Learning a new language and culture.

Do I believe what God has said is true? Do I trust Him to come through when I need Him to? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, it hasn't settled in my heart.

Jesus, I need supernatural understanding of my worth and identity in you. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for trying to control something so totally out of my control. and manipulating my friends in the process. You are teaching me to trust You. Help me cooperate with You.